Yesterday my 17 year-old son asked me, “How much is the right amount to spend on a gift for someone”. It’s my birthday tomorrow and he saw me eying up a 4.5kg Toblerone in Costco after we’d been to get his eyes tested!
He elaborated on his question, “If you could spend loads of money then obviously you could get really great things that people would love, but that is just so hard because its just so much money!”
My reply was immediate and aimed directly at his maths-nerd understanding:
“Son, the value of a gift is inversely proportional to its cost.”
Most people confuse the words “value” and “cost”. Indeed, many use them interchangeably when in fact their meanings are so completely different.
The physical things I value the most have nothing to do with what they cost. In fact, in many cases they cost no money to buy, but they are rich in thought or time or love. In contrast, many of the most expensive gifts that I have ever been bought hold little value to me at all.
Most people think that the cost of a gift that they give communicates something to the recipient. The more expensive the gift the more the giver thinks of the receiver. So they fall into the trap of buying something costly. But that is not how it works. From the recipient’s perspective any gift can be thoughtful, just as any gift can be thoughtless.
If my son chose to he could spend £60 on an enormous Toblerone as a birthday present for me. He could then tell himself (and anyone else) how he clearly loves his Dad because he bought me a £60 chocolate mountain! Alternatively, if he chose to he could think of all those things that I say all the time – those ‘Dad-isms’ – and get them all printed onto a mug. That would probably cost him a tenner. Of those two gifts which do you think would I value the most?
Thoughtfulness and costliness are not interchangeable. You can’t substitute one for the other and achieve the same result.
Most of the time if you buy an expensive gift for someone it is more about the giver than the receiver. It is about the giver making THEMSELVES feel good and nothing at all to do with the recipient.
And that’s the thing. If you are going to give a gift it shouldn’t be about you. It should be about the person you are giving to. And that’s where cost ends and it becomes about the thought and time and love.
We are all familiar with the saying, “It’s the thought that counts.” But how many of us actually pay attention to it?
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